Category Archives: Unschooling

Let’s Get Real About Socialization

Posted on August 11, 2009 | 5 comments

How our homeschooled children present socially is always the first thing those who don’t homeschool bring up. And we then defend the position with the activities our children are involved in and how many friends they have and how many parties they are invited to. I have even heard people mention that they can tell if a person has been homeschooled, both from homeschoolers meant in a positive way, and from public schoolers meant in a negative way.

So, let’s get real. When I chose to homeschool my children, let alone unschool them, I assured the idea that they would be considered “different”. Choosing to unschool sets ME apart as “different”. Why wouldn’t it set my children apart as being “different”? And wasn’t that the point? Different means not the norm. The norm is the socialization received by those attending mass institutions of learning, in any shape or form. I was reminded again of what that socialization looks like when my two younger boys insisted upon attending a YMCA day camp for the summer. Last year they went every other week; this year they went every week for the entire summer. The dynamics among the children is the same thing you will see in the public schools, charter schools, and private schools. And my children don’t fit in well. Let me explain.

Large groups of children are managed by staff. In fact, when it is free play, they reduce staff ratio because their intent is to “keep them safe” and “let them go”, not to support or help with social skill development. It’s to give the adults a break as well. You will see this at any recess time or lunch time in any school. So, all these children get together with no role models on how to treat each other. At the beginning of the day camp in June, the staff were eager and engaged themselves with the children. The children didn’t know each other yet, the counselors, or their boundaries, so they all were fairly cooperative with one another and especially worked together when an adult was involved and giving gentle reminders of positive social conduct. By the second half of camp, significant disintegration in all realms occur. Because the counselors are not really trained in being social supports and mentors, and as the children become familiar with each other and the boundaries that can be crossed with each counselor are known, the negative behaviors of the children increase and the apathy of the adults are palpable. Children know whose buttons are easily pushed and there will be a segment of children who enjoy pushing them and then denying their role in it; the children have established a pecking order and those at the top do as they please without regard to others; groups of children pack together to create strength against any assault; grabbing and pushing are commonplace because no structure or expectation of common courtesy are established or modeled; fighting and name calling result when a child has no recourse when changes of circumstance occur outside of their repertoire of knowledge (this is known as repair skills). These are the things I witnessed off the top of my head as I would try to support my children the first hour of free play by modeling and sharing good social information based on the dynamic of environment for which they were a part. As for the counselors, the first few weeks there was high energy, excitement, a desire to join in the play and enjoy the children, and consistent positive interactions. By mid-season, I literally see counselors with blank faces, many leaning against the trees staring off in space or simply hugging on the child that will approach them and want attention, and little commitment to intervening on obvious difficult circumstances escalating nearby.

As a homeschooler, I am as much a part of the social learning environment for my children as a model and mentor as I am in the academic learning environment. This holds true for the emotional learning environment or the familial learning environment. I recognize as a homeschooling parent that there are many facets of learning that my child is picking up every minute of every day, and I am privileged to walk the journey alongside them. I want to share as much information as possible to help them find their place in our society that works for them. So, what this means is that I believe in adult mentoring as one of the foundations of our learning environment. That said, even though the boys are in a group setting where no parent stays to watch or observe, I stay that first hour as an opportunity to share my observations with my boys. However, that is not enough to counter the dynamic of an unprincipled social environment of little people with no skills, experience, or power.

Joseph, my 8 year old, has done well the first half of the season, both last year and this year. But, likewise, starting midway through the season, he is constantly fighting, disrespecting counselors, and having a negative outlook on everything around him. As I observe him, and assess the situation based on Joseph’s perspective, I find several factors in play. I believe the most important difference is that he has been respected in his life and knows he has a lot of choice. As an unschooler, I just don’t know how to change that dynamic I give my child although he enters an environment full of people without most of those points of view. So, when the children treat him as they do everyone else in that circumstance, Joseph is easily offended and feels disrespected, whether by the children or how the counselors are taught to be punitive against children who do not conform. So, with a lack of social skill at this stage, and after it weighing on him over a half summer, Joseph resorts to his base reaction of fight or flight; his being fight. These mass institutions of childhood group management use punitive measures to keep children in compliance. I notice Joseph’s self respect is not for sale and no level of punishment they can dole out is worth trading it in. So, I come to a standstill. Unless I attend with him, or send someone with him that I have shared my philosophies with (William, 10, did have someone attend with him, so he has been successful), he cannot succeed in that environment. But, not because he is unsocialized; but because he is socialized toward an adult society.
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This is what I mean about getting real about socialization. Our children ARE different socially than those who are socialized in an unmentored, unguided mass institutionalized group setting of children. And I’m not dissing those children in these environments. They do the best they can with the circumstances in which they find themselves. It is human nature to do what they do. I always say that if I sent my children to school, then I would do as the Romans do. You can help your child find the best fit in the setting to which they are placed, but they will not change the setting and dynamic it creates. Thus, when I tried school a time or two for certain reasons and circumstances, it didn’t last long because truly I am incapable of understanding how to be a parent that supports the impacts of that environment on my children. I actually don’t know how to do it. My entire perspective would have to change, and I don’t think I can delete what I believe about my role in the life of my children.

This is what people are referring to when they say they can tell when a person has been homeschooled, particularly when they are still of mass institutional age. My only daughter, Abbey, 20, is finishing up her first semester at BYU. The first few weeks were interesting socially as she was constantly being corrected by her roommate with the words “people just don’t SAY that”. My daughter is extremely comfortable with who she is and she quickly realized that what her roommate was trying to say is that Abbey doesn’t know the typical way of speaking among her peers who have been schooled socially. She speaks like an adult would. She and her roommate had some conversations about the corrections, and it stopped. However, upon reflection, my daugher realized that her autonomous lifestyle lived and learned as an unschooler was not necessarily helping her develop friendships in the way her peers were used to creating them, and if she wanted to be part of some of that, she needed to shift a little as well. The biggest thing she adjusted was making herself available in joining their group in all they did (school think is always stick together in everything), versus deciding what she wanted to involve herself in (unschooling think is decide what interests you and join in as you would like and it doesn’t offend anyone). After making that one simple change, while maintaining her “nobody talks that way” perspective (because she likes that about herself), she was fully accepted into the group. After accomplishing that, she decided two things: one is that the friendship structure it creates is somewhat shallow, but the other is that it creates opportunity to serve others in various ways and learning of others’ perspectives. And, she really likes the individual girls, and understands and has decided to conform to the way they know how to be together. At the same time, she realized how much she will enjoy our continued familial relationship because she quite literally can talk about anything with me, in a deep way, and work out the way she wants to be for herself. She also has learned to value her journaling as she can process all that she is learning and choosing to adjust with as she embraces all that college life offers.

So, let’s be real about socialization. There is a noticeable difference between those who are public/private/charter schooled and those who are home/unschooled. I am a realist, but with that comes non-judgment. I know plenty of young people who have been mass schooled, and they have value. I know young people, especially my own, who have been home/unschooled, and they have value. It’s apples and oranges people. It’s a choice each of us makes. I quite literally cannot do the school thing socially, academically, or otherwise. Others can and believe in it. Others cannot fathom the home/unschooling thing. It fits us perfectly, and my children wanting to continue the tradition with their own children is testimony enough to their own experience.

Different makes us interesting!

5 Comments

Posted in College, Homeschooling, My Opinions, Unschooling

Auditory Processing

Posted on August 10, 2009 | 3 comments

I’ve been thinking about the whole idea of “auditory processing disorder” and/or “central auditory processing disorder” and how it relates to the right-brained learner. It appears that at least half the people I meet with right-brained learners think their child also has an auditory processing issue. So, as always, I’ve been filtering that thought through all the good information I share about the perspective shift on right-brained learning.

Mass institutions of learning generally teach in a left-brained fashion using a left-brained scope and sequence. The right brained learner has their own preferred scope and sequence, but it is not well known what that looks like. In fact, sometimes I think people are completely unaware that right-brained learners would naturaly have their own scope and sequence. Thus, it is one of my missions in life to share what that scope and sequence looks like, so it can be valued, let alone even recognized.

That said, some people choose to categorize a left-brained learner as “auditory-sequential” and a right-brained learner as “visual-spatial”, based on those attributes being prevalent in the respective learning styles. I don’t like that differentiation because it assumes right-brained people cannot be auditory learners or left-brained people can’t be visual learners. I think these are input modalities: some do well with auditory input, and others do well with visual input. I have six right-brained children and 1 right-brained husband. Four of them do well with auditory input (Weston, Eric, Alex, and Joseph). Three of them do quite poorly (Eli, Adam, and William). It seems they either do very, very well, or very, very poorly as it pertains to auditory input.

So, does that mean my children who do poorly with auditory input mean they have “auditory processing disorder”? It is true that they can barely process any auditory information effectively . . . or do they? I started looking closely, especially as I noticed a few things with myself. I am a strong left-brained learner. My daughter is more whole-brained, but learns in a left-brained manner, and mainly uses her visual skills for creating her fantasy novels. I have noticed lately, when my builder right-brained son, Eli (who doesn’t prefer the auditory input modality), has read things aloud to me from his computer, wanting to ask me a question, I cannot for the life of me process that auditory information without having to get up and go look at the words. My daughter has mentioned that she cannot concentrate on talks at church without doodling or taking notes (a common way for a right-brained learner to attune to left-brained or non-creative tasks).

So, I started thinking about how schools are set up. They are lecture based with note taking. This would go along the lines of how a left-brained person could process auditory information effectively. If they can write or see words (many times, notes were put on the board or on overheads or in outlines as the lecture was given) as they receive the auditory input, they are able to effectively and efficiently process that information. Because a right-brained person’s natural gift is not in words, many times those who do not prefer auditory input cannnot take notes and listen at the same time. However, Eli, who also is a natural at math, he can easily follow a lecture in his math class because the instructor inevitably is working out math problems as she explains. Thus, a visual that makes sense to my son is hooked to the auditory in order that it makes sense to him and can process it effectively. If Eli goes to a class at church where the teacher brings in picture visuals and hands-on activities, he processes the auditory information fine. If they do not, he struggles to pay attention and process the auditory input.

In our instructional world, we tend to use three of our five senses extensively: auditory, visual, and kinesthetic (touch). Smell and taste certainly come into play in such professions as cooking and general environmental assessments. Therefore, I challenge the idea that there are “glitches” in some right-brained learners who do not prefer to process input auditorially. Eli prefers to process visually and kinesthetically. That is 2 of the 3. He can do that third one when paired with one of the other two. I realize I may be similar. I need words involved in order to process auditory information, but because our society is set up to favor the left-brained processing structure, I do not need to figure out creative ways to accomplish the ability to process auditory information.Others buy levitra online cute-n-tiny.com believe that acid reflux is related to aging.

Eli is working out creative ways to accomplish the need to process information auditorially while in college by finding other sources to accomplish the same thing utilizing another of his input modalities. Taking on-line classes is a great option for him in lecture based classes. Because auditory input and words go hand in hand, he can take his time reading and processing the information at a pace that works for him. Yes, he has the option of getting a disability plan in order to tape record his lecture classes, but why? Eli subconsciously resents the idea that he needs to have a “disability plan” when he feels he is quite capable of learning the information if it is presented in a way that works for him. So, isn’t the learning environment “disabled”? It works for certain people, but not for others; yet, if it were structured differently, bringing in all the three input modalities, I think there would be less problems involved with most people. Eli received a high A for his online class for Psychology quite easily. And he really enjoyed the material and talked about what he was learning all the time.

The last thought pertains to processing auditory input from a conversation or if a friend or such is explaining something to you. Then, there is often no visual or kinesthetic hook to the auditory. I asked Eli how he processes our conversations. We have had discussions about the idea that looking at someone tells them you are paying attention. A young person, who attended public school worked for me this summer shadowing my son, William, at a day camp. It was apparent the first time I gave this young man instructions that he had “ADD” as he would not look at me when I spoke, and would not remember half of what I said to him. I asked Eli if it would be easier to not look at me when I spoke in order to process the auditory input more easily. He said it wouldn’t because if he looked off, he might become visually distracted by something and that is when his ears would shut down. I noticed that exact thing happening to this young man who worked for me. I told the young man he needed to come up with some strategies to help him, but he has no tools to pull from, and he has just graduated high school with high grades! After bumping into his mother, she has been concerned that he has relied upon the medication to learn, and after doing a few “placebo experiments” with her son, she has found that he is reliant upon it.

I am grateful for the homeschooling environment. While young, I could center Eli’s learning around his strengths and his preferred input modalities in order to create a strengths based, gift centered learning environment. Once he hit around 11-12 years old, his brain shifted once again (as most people do) in order to start taking in more abstract information, which includes having a greater awareness of what is working and not working in one’s life, and being willing and able to partner with a more knowledgeable person in order to create tools and strategies to improve weaknesses as they negatively impact strengths. (In other words, the improvements or skill development made sense as it related to what he needed to work for him in what areas.) For conversations, if it is a topic of high interest and background knowledge he already has accumulated, he can hook the auditory conversation to the ready visuals in his mind. If it is entirely new information being discussed, he has found looking at the person creates the ability for him to concentrate on what is being said. In real life, I don’t foresee this being a constant need, as the area of work he will go into will be one based on his strengths. The friends he associates with will be those who have commonalities.

I am more than pleased at how Eli is finding his place in our society, whether it is based on his strengths or his weaknesses. We live at a time there are many options, and he’s not afraid to take them. He doesn’t see it as a deficit that he chooses another alternative, but as a smart choice that allows him to enjoy the experience because it is based on areas of strength for him. In other words, he knows how he learns, and he’s not afraid to use it 🙂

3 Comments

Posted in Adulthood, Collaborative Learning, College, Homeschooling, Learning, My Opinions, Right-Brained/Visual-spatial Learners, Unschooling

Karate

Posted on August 2, 2009 | 2 comments

I found a place nearby offering karate during homeschooling hours. As always happens with starting up homeschooling hours, there are only a few children at this time. My two boys, William (10) and Joseph (8) and two other brothers currently attend. Naturally, it’s nice to get the one-on-one attention from the instructor, Tina, who is fabulous with the boys. But, I do want it to grow in order to continue being able to attend during “school hours”.

That said, we started once a week in February. The boys started at white belt, moved to white/gold belt in 6 weeks, and then moved to gold belt in another 6 weeks. Here’s an old picture at white/gold:

Yesterday, after missing every other week this summer, William and Joseph were able to move to orange belt. Here’s a photo:

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What I have discovered is that Joseph is a natural at this, and most everything he tries physically. William needs to work harder at things, but “fighting” is his big interest, so he is motivated to put in the effort. I notice that he uses the strategy of watching others heavily, but it works for him. Excitedly, when he is on his own to do it, he comes through with the knowledge to move forward.

William is one of those children with a lot of “learning disabilities”. I put that in quotes because I choose to view my children through a strengths based lens while remaining realistic about their needs, but understanding that time and smart exposure can go a long way. That said, I can access funds through something called an “adoption fund” that covers activities that help the children progress. Karate is “approved” because there are studies that show improvement in things like ADD and such. I do notice good quality attention from William during karate, but more importantly, I see a lot of great, natural exercise in the “crossing midline” and “motor planning” arenas. Joseph is able to pick up which way to do strikes with his hands, which often cross midline from one side of the face down and across. There is also major coordination when striking with one hand, the other goes into a defensive stance. William’s processing is quite slow, and he really had to think about it hard. I can just see his brain working! In the beginning, Tina and I had our doubts that he could pull it off. But he really has! Quite amazing, actually! This is a great example of a real activity that creates natural “exercises” in areas of need without having to separate them out into drills.

Karate is definitely a keeper, both for high interest, with a side benefit of natural development in William’s areas of weakness.

2 Comments

Posted in Interests, Special Needs, Unschooling

Update in our Household

Posted on August 1, 2009 | 2 comments

As a blogger, I find that I go through life after an experience saying, “That would make a good blog post”. And then it passes me by and I’m sad that I’m not capturing the moments or the perspective on paper. (As a side note, I’m using my blog as my journal. Every year or two, depending on how much I wrote during that period, I print everything off into a large binder, putting everything in protective sheets, and labeling the front.) So, to try to get going again on a consistent basis, I’m going to update everything happening around here in synopsis format, or better yet, in hopeful blog post options, and hopefully I will blog about each individual thereafter over the next couple weeks.

Cindy (that’s me!). I’ve been continuing to work on my right-brained book. I carved out time this summer to finish it, but worry it won’t happen. I also worry that I’m my biggest enemy to completing it. How do authors do it?! I’ve been a support person to my oldest son, who seems to suffer from bipolar as we now see it. At times, this has brought me to the edge of cracking under the pressure of doing all that I’m supposed to do as the center of this family. We’re currently in a good place. I am in the middle of organizing this coming year’s family focus for everyone. My plate definitely runneth over in that category, but it should be an exciting year of growth for many! So, at least three posts there.

Weston (my hubby). I’m blessed to have the husband that I do, who learns and grows with our family, and supports me as best he knows how. We both know in our particular family that we had to divide and conquer. I take the emotional, educational, and therapeutic roles; and he takes the financial role with key support positions in the home, with particular children for certain areas, as parenting relief for me for high time consumption children, and overall involved father, particularly with community activity involvement the children are in (like coaching soccer and leading the youth group at church, etc.) He is also the one in charge of beautifying our home front and keeping track of our overall vision for it. He’s also a great father who shows our boys how to be men of substance, and show our daughter what a husband can be for a woman. Staying on top of things with his job in this economy takes a lot of stress, and we have had our adjustments in that arena over the past year. Also, this is a creative man who has always needed to be challenged intellectually, so he has discovered an excellent match for him to continue some education. This looks like another three posts!

Eric, Age 22. We have partnered together to continue to understand his anxious and depressive state from the time he was 16. Since my last post, I have come to realize he is battling bipolar. So, that is definitely several posts right there. Anyone who lives with bipolar can attest to my statement that it is the center of his life right now as he figures out how to effectively manage it. When he can be plugged into his life that he desires as well as consistently engaged in his creative outlets and life’s passion, I will know we are on the right track. Baby steps at this point; hopeful progress with our current knowledge.

Abbey, Age 20. Big changes for Abbey as she has left to live out in Utah at Brigham Young University (BYU) in Provo starting this summer. The first weekend of orientation was evidence to her that she would learn and grow tremendously in this new venue she has chosen for her next stage in her life. She has already had many ups and downs that has provided growth opportunities for her. It has been fun to discuss how her unschooled life impacts her life at college, both academically and socially. That should be several posts and more.

Eli, Age 18. Has this young man ever wowed his mother this past year! In his “senior year” of homeschooling, he wanted to start attending community college in order to grow more in his passion of math and computers. He also wanted to face his weak areas and discover what he may still need to do in order to succeed at his life’s plans. Eli is diagnosed with high functioning autism and could have had many other “learning disabilities” attached, such as ADD (big time), CAPD (big time) (central auditory processing disorder), as well as how his ASD (autism spectrum disorder) affects his ability to speak, read/comprehend, and write English well. Eli is also a strong right-brained learner, a builder with a specialty in spatial awareness. Many of you know my passion about the right-brained learner and that there is another legitimate, valid path to how they learn. It is not uncommon for a right-brained person to not prefer auditory input as well as have a difference in attention factors. Many also know I have a particular perspective on how these learners should be valued for how and WHEN they approach learning. I believe in a strengths based foundation and coming to formal academics and learning starting at 11 in order that they can understand the need to build weaknesses as it effects strengths, as well as being able to be truer collaborators at that stage. Well, Eli has shown how well all of this has worked out for him! He is truly coming into his own and flourishing. I have also had an opportunity to work with someone who attended public school who is “ADD” and how that impacts him. I want to do a whole set of posts sharing Eli’s journey to give hope and insight to all the people who have young people with “learning differences”.

Adam, Age 16. Adam is now my TALL young man, as he has reached about 6’1″ on his tiptoes. He lives with moderate to severe autism (moderate because he is partially verbal and can learn to a certain level, and severe because he battles extreme sensory bombardments on a minutely basis and it’s hard not to be consistently agitated and on guard) and he has always toe-walked to some level. Well, it caught up to me and now we are scheduled for foot surgery this September. I’m committed to making sure it doesn’t happen again because I expect this recovery to not be easy based on his limited cognition. However, Adam also had his first emergency room trip this summer after putting his hand through our front window which required 40 stitches. He was amazingly calm and cooperative, so backward blessing as it was, it gives me hope for his recovery from surgery. In NC, the compulsory age for school is 7-16, and because Adam will not ever drive, he is no longer legally required to school. Of course, he enjoys being mentally engaged and loves math and spelling and books, so we do as we want in that arena. With Abbey going off to college, he has lost his therapeutic tutor from the past 1.5 years and transitioned quite well to Ashley this summer. I knew this was temporary as she is a school teacher, so Adam will once again transition to someone else soon, probably a man named Russell. Adam enjoys working with his tutors! So, there are definitely some posts here on behalf of Adam.
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Alex, Age 14. Alex has really matured this past year. He has successfully navigated the stage of my Collaborative Learning Process by the same name; the collaborative learning stage. He is fully independent with his formal academic work, and actually reminds me to get it for him! He has a system that works for him, and me, and this year I want to start challenging him subject by subject past his comfort zone, but still embracing his learning style. He also has incorporated daily chores into his life that he, once again, ASKS every day which part of it he should do. I definitely want to use my recent foray into this stage with Alex to share with readers how this stage looks and what and why I do what I do. There is often MUCH resistance in this stage, but it has to do with being gently, but firmly, guided into the arena of self-awareness, self-determination, and a solid work ethic in order to translate toward the ability to set one’s own goals to achieve purpose with one’s passion. Once they get through this first stage of shifting by collaborating with me in what works for them and what doesn’t, it always amazes me what awaits on the other end of this stage: the Gift Focus Stage. And the independence and self-initiation that occurs is phenomenal!

William, Age 10. I forsee big changes for William this year. Since turning 10, I saw the beginnings of the 11 year old shift in that, for him, it is more that he may be able to cognitively make strides. This is another son with many, many labels attached, and would create much worry if I didn’t know better. We have dabbled here and there, but he is now ready to make some leaps. I am fortunate to have helped him qualify to receive CAP services here in NC (a Medicaid disability waiver program), so I will be training a therapeutic tutor for him soon. Up to now, William has been learning where his strengths are, and for most people, looking at someone like him would be hard pressed to feel he has any. But, if you ask him who he is, he’ll let you know that he is the best pretender there is, he loves to cook and to garden, and he generally wants to learn how to be in control of himself. In fact, last night, Weston, William and Joseph watched Merlin on recorded TV (William LOVING soldiers and knights and swords and weapons), and my husband actually thought he could then put him to bed. But, as I know SO well about William, right after watching the show, he was in costume within seconds and prepared to go into his imaginative place. I corrected my husband as it pertains to this child and William was given space to expend his need to process what he saw through role-playing, and ending with some drawing at the table (which he would be considered to be “dysgraphic”). I suspect William will be reading in his 11s somewhere, maybe 12. Same with math. It’s all good. It all works out. William is much more capable of putting in effort and understanding at his stage now, and he has a solid foundation of his strengths, which we will continue to grow and nurture 60% of his time. Lots of posts with this child pending!

Joseph, Age 8. He is one of my most naturally social children of all my children. Interestingly, he also cares deeply about what others think of him, and he is my first child who cares what he is wearing and looking like. It’s really interesting and fascinating to me. The YMCA in which we attend holds a summer day camp each year, and William and Joseph both wanted to attend last year (I had them go half of the time), and this year (they went almost the entire summer). For Joseph, it starts off fairly well, but by mid-way, trouble starts a-brewing. He is easily offended and hurt by typical child playground tactics as well as typical adult punitive, rule-based consequences and interactions. When Joseph gets hurt, he gets physical. We’ve been working on that a lot. I definitely want to write a post about how the way I parent affects their ability to interact with “schoolish” types of interactions successfully. It’s tricky when my child wants to be part of this type of thing for a season. Usually when we hit this point, though, he’s ready to be done. We both recognize the limitations of his expectations and understandings with the environment and how people behave from those settings. Joseph is also showing that he is more than ready to tackle reading and math things, so we have already somewhat started, and he should be able to finish the process of starting and going by the end of the year. At the beginning of this year, I started William and Joseph in group activities, especially because Joseph is so social. They have done swim team two times a week, karate one time a week, and YMCA sports year round. Joseph is a natural at most things he does, though being small, he probably should concentrate on areas he could continue to progress in to the level he would probably want to later on. Karate is a good fit for him, as is soccer. We think wrestling would be a great fit as well, so we’re working on that. We still encourage all things, naturally, like swim and even football, which is what he is wanting to do as of late.

Pets. At current count, we have 8 cats (indoor/outdoor): Socks/17, Belle/12, Sunflash/11, Xena/9, Ellie, Hanabi, Wally, and Sammy (brothers and sisters)/all 1, two dogs: Spencer/9 and Precious/7. Abbey lost her tree frog she handraised from an egg from the wild, Tasolen/5; and the boys lost their three rats: SugaBuga, Stripe, and Squeeker/all sisters/3. We still have our large fish tank, but our pets are diminishing all and all as to variety.

We are still living on our 15 acres in the log house and loving every minute of it. We finally found a renter who contracted to buy our other house, though it will be a 1-3 year contract period. But, with this economy, they were good renters to find as they repair all things and take care of the house as if it is theirs, which is what we wanted. It will still be nice to have it sold. I guess that could be a post.

Now, I need to commit to posting as indicated in his post. Lots of good stuff happening! Oh, I’m going to try to get a new family photo when my daughter comes home at summer break!

2 Comments

Posted in Autism, Collaborative Learning, College, Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar, Family, Homeschooling, Learning, My Book, Right-Brained/Visual-spatial Learners, Unschooling

Sleeping and Depression

Posted on March 30, 2009 | 5 comments

I mentioned in a previous post about my oldest son’s journey with understanding his anxiety and depressive nature. About a year and a half ago, it escalated into a full blown crisis. Ever since then, we’ve partnered together as I support him as he tries to understand how to get it under control, first of all, then learn to understand it, and finally how to manage it. We finally got the “under control” part accomplished just this past December. Now, we’re at the understand it stage.

One thing we discovered at the same time everything else came together was how his crazy right-brained sleep patterns negatively impact his depression, anxiety, and mood. A right-brained person tends to be a night owl. This is because creativity often is heightened in the evening hours, for some reason. However, when puberty hit for this young man, his traditional night owl sleep patterns didn’t seem to follow his normal predictability. At the same time, puberty is when we first noticed his mood differences at a larger scale. Now, I see the correlation.

To describe how my son’s sleep patterns didn’t follow a traditional night owl pattern, I will delineate. I am a night owl. I enjoy staying up until about 1:00 a.m. and sleeping in until 9:00 a.m. Over the last five years or so, my oldest son would stay up until 1:00 a.m. one night, 3:00 a.m. another night, stay up all night yet another, and back to any ole time he felt like. Waking up was the same. One day it might be noon, another 3:00 p.m., and yet another he might sleep the entire day away. That was red flag number one.

Red flag number two was his inability to wake up when he wanted to. I remember for the year he was 17, he joined a Kendo class that met two days a week. This is a Japanese sword fighting martial arts, and it was something he had thought of doing for some time. One class time was in the evening on Wednesday. That was never a problem. But, the other was a Saturday morning, at 9:00 a.m., and the class was 1.5 hours away. As much as he wanted to participate, half the time, he just couldn’t get himself functioning to awaken. This part of the equation particularly started at 16-17 years old and continued until now, at 22 years old.

The last red flag that got him wondering what was wrong with him was the fact that he was tired all day long. He might sleep 13-14 hours, and he would yawn all day and feel wiped out. He suspected sleep apnea, so we had him tested. Although he did test as mild, and we were able to obtain the machine, he quickly realized it was not impacting how tired he felt all the time.

I had tried to encourage him to create a predictable sleep schedule for his body in order for it to function properly, but he just hadn’t developed a testimony of it yet. Frankly, I thought it might help a bit, but didn’t think too much about it. However, when depression and anxiety hit so hard that he had to be hospitalized, it was time to get really serious and do anything and everything I could think of that might impact him positively.Post-bariatric surgery patients regain confidence and ability to perform are hindered by the tension that they feel on a daily basis when great store on line viagra it comes to unrelated issues.

The first thing I did was ask him to trust me for at least a month with his sleep patterns. That included first moving him up out of the complete blackness of the basement and into a well-lit upstairs bedroom. Once I committed him, he has really enjoyed it now, and the natural light from the four windows helps his body’s natural “feel good” chemicals emit from exposure to light. Step Two was to collaborate with him about what time might be best. We decided 2:00 a.m. until 10:00 a.m., but then switched it to midnight until 10:00 a.m. Sometimes he fluctuates to 2:00 a.m., but shouldn’t go past it. But, for that month, it was midnight until 10:00 a.m. Step Three was taking melatonin. My oldest son always had a harder time falling asleep, but it escalated to 2-4 hours during his depression/anxiety times.

It seemed to help along with everything else we were doing, so we didn’t think a whole lot about it. That is, until he decided to do what he used to do, and that is take 3-4 days in a row and keep pushing the bedtime and the awake time. Suddenly, his difficult mood appeared, depression kicked in seriously, and he became very tired again. It became evident that his sleep patterns effected his body negatively in a serious and immediate way. What was more important is that he “got it”!

Interestingly, one of the main things he likes to do in the middle of the night is his art. A right-brained learner is usually engaged in one or more creative outlets in a big way in their lives. My oldest son’s choice is drawing. If he is not engaged in his drawing outlet in some way in his life, then he only half lives. In fact, it was by his renewed interest in drawing, which had been dormant for a year or more, that prompted us to realize he was becoming more healthy. He decided since he was actually feeling like drawing again, that it was a positive sign, so he could do more of this good thing late into the night. Not true at all! What I helped him understand is that even a good thing has to be put in balance with everything else. In other words, drawing is a positive thing in his life. But his sleep pattern is an important balance need in his life. One good thing cannot override the importance of another thing.

So, my son is taking his sleep pattern needs seriously these days. Sometimes, for one reason or another, he starts to push it. Midnight is ideal, so finding himself near 2:00 a.m. means he will start to feel the effects. He is now taking responsibility for the consequences of these choices. He understands it is not fair to those he lives with, and he certainly cannot complain about being tired or not feeling well emotionally if he chooses to alter his healthy sleep pattern. He now has full knowledge of its importance in his life.

5 Comments

Posted in Depression/Anxiety/Bipolar, Family, Right-Brained/Visual-spatial Learners, Unschooling

Visiting Abbey’s College Campus

Posted on March 18, 2009 | 5 comments

There are so many different aspects I need to blog about as it pertains to Abbey’s path to college. I may be able to touch on a few in this post. Abbey has never attended a formal class before, unless you count driver’s education classes at the local high school. As mentioned in a previous post, Abbey decided suddenly last summer that she wanted to pursue college. As mentioned in that post, she was late by a few days in the colleges of her choice receiving her ACT scores, so she officially missed the deadline. She applied to Brigham Young University, Idaho, as her primary choice, and they asked her to reapply because of the missed deadline. We didn’t pursue what that meant because of what happened to her second choice: Brigham Young University, Provo (the main campus). This institution simply qualified her for the next available term or semester, which happened to be Spring Term, and she was accepted! Provo is fairly competitive, so we weren’t sure she would be accepted. Plus, Idaho had a great creative writing program, which is what she thought she would pursue.

(The “Y” on the side of the mountain near BYU, Provo.)

However, because of the immediate acceptance into Provo, we decided to look around their site and see what kind of Creative Writing program they offered. But, we couldn’t find it anywhere. So, we ended up looking at every category of degree until we found a “writing emphasis” degree under a General Studies category. Yuck! But, this process got us thinking. If she were to pursue a creative writing degree, the type of job she would need to pursue would be something with magazines or newspapers and the such. But, she wants to write novels, and there really isn’t a job out there except as an entrepreneur, which is the way Abbey wants to pursue it. Soooo, as we had perused the site, we ran across special education teacher, and it really popped at us. Abbey has been working officially through an agency with her brothers with special needs for the past year, and she’s a natural at it! We got to talking, and some of the benefits I pointed out in pursuing this degree as it pertains to getting an actual job are these: it is not year-round and one gets liberal vacation time (scheduled, though); she wants to homeschool, so a teaching certificate often bypasses certain legalities; she could tutor from home; it is in high demand so if she does it temporarily or needs to move often, she should be able to find employment easily. Those were the things that came off the top of my head.

Abbey wants to be a stay-at-home mom. She wants to homeschool her children. She wants to be an author of novels. All of these things she knows she can do as an autodidactic. Pursuing college has a couple of purposes: she wants to have more of a social life. Having been a homeschooler all her life, she just was different. It was hard for her to find teens that wanted to be associated with different. Abbey was comfortable, but she is really interested in the dating scene. She started off thinking of unschooling her career path into authorship, but finding peers in her position was hard to come by because so many go off to college. Sooo, thus, her decision to put herself where everyone is. Again, she thought of pursuing her unschooled career next to a large university, but she decided against it because of her second reason: the world values degrees, so she felt that it might be useful to have one in case she needed it. In other words, it gave her options if she needed it beyond her career of choice. And, special education appears to be a perfect way to enhance her ultimate goals as a stay-at-home, unschooling mother.

Because Abbey was not able to start university for Winter Semester like she had hoped, she had time between November when she found out, and June (we ended up postponing to Summer Term, which made the most sense) when she would start. I suggested that she take a couple of classes at the local community college in order to have at least one experience with a classroom setting before going into such a competitive schooling environment. So, she chose Expository Writing, since so much of college is writing, and Spanish I, since it had been a while since her self-taught Spanish learning in her unschooled years, and BYU has a requirement to pass a second year language level. So far, Abbey has learned to budget studying time, learn study skill habits, and understand the logistics of a classroom setting and the requirements of an instructor. She is receiving top scores at this time, which she feels good about since she anticipates that BYU will certainly be an increase in difficulty from a community college level.

So, that brings us to our recent trip. It was spring break for community college, and I decided last minute that Abbey and I should take a trip to BYU, which she had not visited yet. Airfare rates were good, so we jumped on it. It was just what she needed to make more informed choices about on-campus housing choices and meal plan options. Abbey also enjoyed just getting to “feel” the student environment as we walked around the campus amongst the hustle and bustle of the student body. We started off with a tour of the campus. We waited in their visitor’s center for our student tour guide:

(Abbey standing in front of an aerial photo of the BYU campus)If PE can be controlled with herbal treatment for overweight. selling here generic levitra

Naturally, the student tour guide was a well-spoken young man who drove us around in a zippered protected golf cart (back to a winter state!) and answered any of our questions. Some of the extra-curricular programs Abbey may be seriously considering once she gets out there is intramural sports and working on the BYU newspaper.

The BYU Bookstore was awesome. The first thing we saw when we walked in were a table of modest undershirts. Abbey and I have clocked in hours at the malls trying to find these! And, here we are, in modest city, with a whole table laid before our eyes in all different colors. We snatched up several. Naturally, we also had to buy something to get her in the spirit of her next adventure:

(Isn’t she adorable?!)

My latest repetitive question I get from people are, “I’ll bet you’re really going to miss her, huh?” These people know how close Abbey and I are and she is absolutely my best friend. But, it’s funny. At this time, I don’t feel like I’m going to “miss her”. I’m totally excited about her next stage and this adventure she has chosen. As I have contemplated why I don’t feel like I’m going to be crushed with her leaving is this: I am confident in our relationship we have. It is strong and solid. Distance will not threaten it. We know we will be as close as ever. She already has me set up for Skype and her Christmas present was a cell phone on our calling plan. She will share her journey every step of the way as she always has. I have always enjoyed the privilege of walking alongside my children on their own personal journeys, and it will continue when they leave our home as when they are here.

The strength of our relationship bonds us across the miles.

5 Comments

Posted in Adulthood, Beginnings, College, Family, Unschooling

Life Without School Post and Comments

Posted on March 4, 2009 | Leave a comment

I have received a few “blistering” comments on a few of my Life Without School blog posts over the past month. Usually, when someone comments in a highly negative and generalized manner, it can be best to leave it be. This was true of one of the comments when I followed the link to his blog that was all about taking various topics and “tearing it up”. So, it wasn’t worth responding.

Sometimes, even though a negative comment seems to be filled with common misconceptions and generalizations, it is worth considering a response because of the commonality of the generalizations. This was true of this comment. And so, I decided to take my time and write out a response to all those people out there who may hold the same perceptions without taking the time to understand the topic. That response is my Life Without School post called The Myth of Credentialism.

And, sometimes, I respond to a comment expecting absolutely no resolution, but I decide to make at least one well thought out comment in return, with maybe a follow-up to anything that is said in response, and you get totally surprised, like in this short exchange. (Find the comment from “I Put In The Legwork” near the bottom, and my response that follows, and the follow up remark that concludes.) What this exchange showed was that the person had been legitimate in the comment created and was really wanting to understand why it looked the way it did to them. Since it was a recent comment made to a post that was significantly older, a search of “unschooling college” must have found the commenter at my post.Gamma knife surgery and endoscopic surgery is done for ED: To implant a prosthetic device recommended for you buy levitra surgically implanted inside the penis.

Anyway, negative comments are always interesting. Sometimes it can be used as fodder to help clarify; sometimes it’s just best to leave it lie, and still other times, surprise resolution may occur. Blogging is such fun!

Biology Dissection

Posted on January 28, 2009 | Leave a comment

I have had three children navigate their version of experiencing dissection in the category of biology. My first child, Eric, took a class at our Natural Science Center shortly after moving to North Carolina, so he was probably around 14 years old. This was a “homeschool class” that was said to be designed to fulfill this and that educational requirement in this and that. You know the stuff that is normally said that would be appealing to school-based thinking, but doesn’t matter at all to me. But, it did mention dissecting some things and I felt that Eric would be interested in the whole biology aspect and could tolerate a smaller version of dissecting. Eric tended to like a class situation for something like this. He attended and if I recall, they were in groups of two, and they dissected a cow eye and a pig fetus, I think.

Abbey, my second born, was interested in delving into hands-on experiences to determine what type of animal-based career she might be interested in for her future. An opportunity was discovered to attend an eighth-grade veterinary camp at Michigan State University when she was around 14. She had to fill out an application with essays, along with my having to fill out forms and essays as her “science teacher”, in order to be accepted into the program. Abbey was accepted and spent an intensive week doing a myriad of diverse hands-on activities to help her understand what it would take to succeed in the university program as well as the field. It was there that she had several opportunities for dissection, as well as observing a variety of actual surgeries. Here is a picture of one of her dissection opportunities:

Eli, my third born child, is my latest to go through the biology dissection. Science is one of those subjects for him that was right in the middle. He has a basic interest in science, especially since the hands-on aspects of the experiments makes sense to him, but the textbook aspect of it, or the verbal explanations, could be a bit of a struggle since language is difficult for him. Because he has been my first child that knew as a teen that he wanted to go to a university as soon as he could for computer programming, I thought science was a great subject for him to explore learning through a textbook. Eli had enough interest/knowledge from the hands-on aspects of science in order to help him potentially do better with the print material typical of college, so it would be a good experience for him.
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So, at 14-15, he worked through Apologia’s Physical Science, and at 15-16 he worked through their General Science, and at 16-17, he made his way through the Biology text (he is currently finishing up with Chemistry). I ordered the traditional dissection package from Apologia’s recommended site and a dissection kit came in the mail followed closely by the specimens of an earthworm, a crayfish, a fish, and a frog. Now those brought me back to my biology days in high school, along with the smell of the preservative! Eli followed the textbooks directions for dissection and answered the questions. Here is a picture that, as noted, also attracted interest from others:

Three children; three different biology dissection experiences; it all works based on their strengths.

Sleep Patterns

Posted on December 29, 2008 | 9 comments

A question came up on my Homeschooling Creatively list about sleep pattern differences. One of the “temperament traits” of a right-brained learner is that they are almost always night owls. From the responses given to the original question, my yahoo list is full of these right-brained night owls. Further, in the autism spectrum world, extreme sleep pattern differences is also the “norm”. The theory by Jeffrey Freed in his book, “Right-Brained Children in a Left-Brained World”, is that autism spectrum is a form of “extreme right-brainedness”. For those on the high functioning end of autism (Asperger’s and High Functioning Autism), I often say, “take the traits and learning style of the right-brained learner and add a plus to everything, and that’s what you are dealing with.” An example: a right-brained learner often resists trying new things initially. For a HFA/AS person, they resist new things to a higher degree.

All of this said, this post will resonate with those with children like mine. For the rest of you, it might seem extraordinary and strange, but in the world of the right-brained learner and autism, it’s perfectly “normal”. And my take is that if something is “normal” for a third of the population or more, then is it really abnormal, or really normal in its realm?

First, let me break down the two styles of sleepers in my family. I have three children who are “regular night owls”, and we two parents fall into this category as well. And I have four children who are “extreme night owls”. A regular night owl tends to shoot for their bedtime around midnight, and falls asleep fairly easily. They tend to need between the typical 8-10 hours of sleep each night. If they don’t get enough sleep one night, they tend to want to go to bed earlier the next evening, or sleep in later, to “catch up” on their sleep. In other words, you notice when they don’t get enough sleep by an adjustment in their sleep patterns temporarily.

On the other hand, extreme night owls tend to have a difficult time falling asleep, taking anywhere from 1-3 hours to do so, especially if they go to sleep before their natural circadian rhythm indicates. It is tougher to find their natural sleep rhythms naturally; I find that we had to experiment with what works best, and for how long, until it worked well for them; the test being that falling asleep came more easily (even if with help through something like melatonin), and that awaking came more easily, and they weren’t tired throughout the day. I found that when left to their own haphazard sleep schedule, bedtime routines were all over the place (one night at 2:00 a.m., the next at 4:00 a.m., the next at 1:00 a.m.), or sleep/wake cycles became flipped (having to stay awake all night and day to flip back or sleeping night and day to flip back to sleeping at night and being awake during the day), and that it affected their behaviors (feeling tired throughout the day or aggravating temperament differences like depression, anxiety or mood swings). To take further note, getting them up earlier, or at a consistent time (outside of their optimal), when they went to sleep late to help them get a better sleep pattern did not work. They would still stay up late, but their behaviors would skyrocket as their bodies reacted.

So, what do I do? I do what works for the individual and family collaboratively. First, there are some societal conditionings that I came to terms with in order for it to work best for each. The shoulds are: early to bed; early to rise; this adage came about during the pre-electricity era. Our natural circadian rhythms reflected the rising and falling of the sun and so there was nothing to interfere with that working well for most people. However, with the advent of man-made light, it has changed our circadian rhythms indefinitely. This is why when there are severe sleep differences, the understanding of the way our body responds to its environment is important to understand. For instance, my son who is battling depression and has severe sleep differences needed to change his sleeping quarters from the basement where there was no natural light into an upstairs bedroom with four windows and plenty of natural light to assist in many areas of need.

The next should tends to revolve around the same type of thing, but has more connection to our workforce and schooling practices: Getting to bed in order to get the “proper amount of sleep” of 8 hours backward from when you need to awaken for our cultural practices of the former, usually needing to awaken at 6:00-7:00 a.m. in order to arrive to our designated places. For instance, in our church, we have a program called “early morning seminary” for our high school students. Each high school student will gather together either at our church or someone’s house in a central location to study the scriptures together before going to school in order to start their day off right. In order to accomplish this, it often begins at 6:00 a.m. Those of my children who are your “regular night owls”, could adjust to this request, certainly still with sacrifice like everyone else, but doable. Those of my children who are “extreme night owls”, this was a nearly impossible request that physically negatively impacted them. Another program in our church is for our young men to serve 2 year missions from ages 19-21 years. There is a strict sleep pattern schedule of bedtime at 10:30 p.m. and wake up at 6:30 a.m. As much as my oldest son desired to adhere to this structure, his body would not allow it. It is with the extreme night owls that “willpower” is often not enough. So, basically, an extreme night owl will lie awake in bed for hours (as will even a regular night owl) when placed in bed at 8:00 p.m. in order to “get enough sleep” as a child, and it just messes with their self-image and adds to the behaviors and tiredness because of it not aligning with their particular sleep rhythms, not the actual quantity of sleep. In other words, quantity of sleep only benefits when coupled with optimal sleep timing.

Last, the other should I can think of that I had to analyze is the idea of parents creating authority over their children. My understanding and experience as a child with this is that parents create the structure of the children throughout the day, and decide when bedtime is to be for “their own good”, as well as making sure the parents get a “break” from their parenting job during the day in order to get their “alone time” during the evening hours. The problem I saw in this as I had originally tried to adhere to this “normal” expectation of a parent with their children as it pertains to bedtimes is that it would negatively impact my relationship with them. For instance, in order to get a night owl child, and especially an extreme night owl child, to go to bed when they weren’t naturally ready was to either yell at them, punish them, get aggravated with them for constantly goofing off or coming out, and overall just become more tired with the struggle of getting them to bed to get “my time”. By the time “my time” came, I was exhausted from the battle. I quickly realized it wasn’t worth it. It also helped for me to think about my own childhood and the times I just couldn’t fall asleep. When I was “goofing off”, etc., I wasn’t doing it to be “defiant”, but because I just wasn’t tired. I gave that same respect to my children and decided to view it differently; well, view it from what it really was: a child that wasn’t tired.

Alright, so the scene is set to share what works for us this day, with the children I have. All of the knowledge I have gained above has come through experience, experimentation, contemplation, and collaboration to get where we are today. What that means is that what I learned from the first few children have benefited the subsequent children, who have had to experience less difficulty from not knowing how to establish their preferred sleeping patterns. I know better now how to recognize the nonverbal sleep needs of my younger children and the pre-“know-how-to-verbalize” adolescent sleep shifts of my early teenagers. I hope something can help those of you with similar children.

My 17 year old son and my 19 year old daughter are two of my “regular night owl” children. My 19 year old puts herself to bed by midnight and wakes herself up at 8:30 a.m. in order to be ready for work at 9:30 a.m. My 17 year old puts himself to bed around 10:00 p.m. because he is still in the seminary program and has to wake up, which he does on his own, at 6:00 a.m. to be to his class at 6:30 a.m. My other “regular night owl” is my just-turned-8-year-old son. We try to have him going to bed around 10:00 p.m., which works for him for the most part. He wakes up anywhere between 8:30 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.
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As for my four “extreme night owls”, I’ll begin with my youngest two first, because they benefited from what I learned from the others, so it is fairly straight forward for them. My 9 year old takes 1-2 hours to fall asleep, but usually it is only about the 1 hour if put to bed at his optimal time. We put his 8-year-old brother to bed first because he falls asleep more quickly (thus, more of a “regular night owl”), and have the 9-year-old play in our large walk in closet for about a half hour. Then, he goes into bed when the other is asleep and it usually takes him anywhere from the 30 minutes to the hour to fall asleep himself. I allow this timeframe to fall asleep at this age because I don’t want to do the chemical help until it gets further along, which usually happens around puberty.

So, that leads to my just-about-to-turn-14-year-old pubiescent son. He used to do a similar sleep pattern as the 9-year-old before puberty, but around 11-12 years old, it was time for his shift. First, I take into account how his sleep pattern affects others. With nine people in our house, people share bedroom space typically. He is one of those in the basement with two others, without walls for the most part. At the time of his shift, one person who slept down with him had to get up for seminary, and the other wanted to tackle his sleep pattern differences, and needed everyone to be asleep before he could accomplish his needs. That, factoring in that the 14 year old (then 12 year old) was having a more difficult time falling asleep (now creeping into the 1-3 hour timeframe), it was time to figure out what he needed to have a more easy sleep transition, both in figuring out his optimal time, and what he may need to help him do so. Midnight seems to be a good time to work toward, and with the addition of melatonin a year later, he is easily able to accomplish this and fall asleep within about 30 minutes. He wakes up at 9:30 a.m. in order to receive “therapy” for his autism needs, which works for him well right now, though when this need shifts, maybe 10:00 a.m. to noon until puberty passes and then 10:00 a.m. thereafter will probably be a good fit for him.

My oldest 21-year-old son has been the one who has taught me the most, and naturally, being the first and oldest, has had to go through the difficult learning curve of figuring this all out (his younger siblings have a lot to thank him for someday). He has done all that I outlined above to help us know what doesn’t work. He started off like his younger siblings: at around 5 years old or so, he would go to his room to do quiet activities at the same time hubby and I did . . . around 8:00 p.m., and then it was “to bed, to bed time” at around 10:00 p.m. (again, when hubby and I went to bed). Then, around 8-9 years old, he would be up until around 11:00 p.m. And then it crept to midnight, etc. until puberty. This is the timeframe I didn’t understand about the rhythms of my children/extreme night owls, so he went through a lot of rhythms, my expecting them to even out over time, but they didn’t. He did the early/mid/late sleep pattern shifts, he did the go-all-the-way-around-the-clock even-it-back-up corrections, he tried to go to bed earlier in order to be able to wake up easier for the early morning activities he desired to attend, he tried different alarms in order to awaken more easily, etc. Depression began around 16 years old, and anxiety hit as he tried to navigate the mission structure at 20 years old.

It was only just before that time, at 19 years old, that I figured out the melatonin connection and worked that into his repertoire. And, over the past year, I finally put together the tired factor and the behavior factor. First, he came home from his mission after 11 months because he needed to be treated for sleep apnea as an answer to his extraordinary tiredness he was experiencing his entire mission. However, upon getting and trying the C-PAP machine, it didn’t change anything for him. His behaviors continued to escalate as did his anxiety and depression. Once bottom was hit, I decided to really push the sleep pattern needs. This is when he came up from the basement dungeon into the lighted room, as well as committing to going to bed at midnight, with the help of melatonin (and my company), and experimenting with when to awaken (10:00 a.m. seemed to be optimal). His tiredness all but disappeared, but when he slips in his poor sleep pattern, the tiredness returns with a vengeance. Also, when he sticks to this sleep pattern, his depression and anxiety are more manageable, and thus, less manageable when he slips.

Last but not least is my 16-year-old son with moderate autism. He gets a class of his own because he is not able to reason his needs with his sleep differences. So, I have to work with him, and use his autism behaviors to my advantage. He enjoys routines, so once I am able to ascertain a sleep pattern that works for him, and me, then I can use timeframes to help him be independent with it. He is one of the few children with his own room (the oldest has his own now, too, because of his depression battle needs) because of his high need for alone time, and his sleep differences. On the other hand, regardless of what the stereotype of autism is, this son seeks out those who understand him. True, he ignores most people because he knows they don’t understand his differences of perspective. But, those of us who get it, he seeks us out constantly. My hubby, myself, and my daughter are his favorites. Also, anyone who does “therapy” with him will be someone who “gets” him, so he will seek them out. So, my bedroom is one of the places he will hang out during the day. He comes down into the greater area periodically throughout the day, and enjoys being outside from time to time on his own or with the animals.

That said, he comes downstairs at 11:00 p.m. (exactly, you know, because he watches the clock as it gets closer, and he will come to me and declare, “Mom, it’s 11:00!” . . . that’s autism, and it can work in your favor . . . I simply respond, “Yep!”) This is when he does his computer time. He loves YouTube, though with his recent added awareness of negative sites, yet lack of awareness of the negative impact, I may need to get him his own playlist (a father of a son with autism created this awesome site that a person can create playlists for your children in order to help keep them from the junk that is available on YouTube, but still enjoy the great stuff there, too). Anyway, then at 2:00 a.m., he comes to me wherever I am (sometimes I may still be awake with my oldest; mostly not if he is where he needs to be; so usually I am in bed), and he declares to me, “Mom, it’s 2:01” or whatever near 2:00 a.m. time it is, and I respond, “Yep!” He then goes to his bedroom. At 4:00 a.m., he comes to me in bed and states, “Mom, it’s 4:00!” and I respond, “Yep!”, and then he says, “Go potty,” and I say, “ah-huh”, and he does so. He states the time again when he comes out (maybe a half hour or so . . . he’s still a guy, even with autism . . . LOL!), I give him his melatonin, he crawls in bed with my hubby and I in our king-sized bed, and he proceeds to fall asleep within about 30-60 minutes. (He began to sleep with us when his puberty sleep schedule shifted around 12-13 years old . . . it works for everyone since I know where he is, and he seems to need our connection during sleep . . . patterns have changed over the years since then; this one has worked for the past year.)

So, what does this mean for poor mom’s sleep schedule? It all depends. Hubby helps put the younger ones to bed. Oldest son needs me as he works through his depression, and falling asleep is the hardest time for him emotionally, so I stay with him until around 1:00 a.m. and he is asleep. I then crawl into bed, get the 2:00 a.m. call, the 4:00 a.m. call, the 4:30 a.m. call, the autism humming and shifting in bed until he falls asleep, and then I awake with the littles around 9:00 a.m. It is certainly not optimal for my sleep, but the Lord seems to bless me with the capacity to do so as I support the needs of each family member. I’ve also become accustomed to it all. Abnormal is normal for me. And I know it won’t be forever. And even though I get my “clock calls” throughout the night, he is independent, so I can keep on sleeping. And I hope depression will recede over time where I can go to bed at my typical 11:00-midnight timeframe.

Most important, though, is that my relationships are strong with each child. Late nights have been some of the best connecting moments with some of my extreme night owls. And showing respect for who each child is based on this one aspect of their physical needs impacts their emotional and mental lives more than is realized. But, above all, it impacts their own self-image and our relationship foundation. When everyone finds what works for them as individuals, and functions well as a whole in the family, our interactions are strengthened and their lives are in balance. Frankly, I have found that establishing optimal sleep patterns for each person establishes a smooth overall daily rhythm for the entire home. It’s definitely worth figuring out. Thank goodness for the flexibility of homeschooling!

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Posted in Autism, Collaborative Learning, Family, Right-Brained/Visual-spatial Learners, Unschooling

Brave JoJo Gift Book by Abbey

Posted on November 12, 2008 | 5 comments

Again, this is a continuation from my post about homemade Christmas gifts. This post highlights the book Abbey made for JoJo, who was into Indians at the time, and particularly, his bow and arrow. My creative daughter is SO clever.